Fallen off the wagon.

I really have no clue where to begin. The last time I blogged, the world seemed rosy, I had direction and determination, and was excited for the 12WBT... and then my world came crashing down, and it kept crumbling. It KEEPS crumbling ever so slightly. I have no other explanation, other than heartbreak. I didn't reach for the icecream bucket, I reached for my phone to check Facebook. For a week my world was work, and heartbreak. I didn't want to blog or set goals, I was trying to grasp what was happening to me, how what I knew did a complete back flip into an alternate universe that left me alone. It was hell week and I had no choice but to work through it, to not think about it. I didn't eat and was in pain. I have never experienced such pain in my life. Last Monday, I fell apart. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. All my determination and excitement flew right out the window and hasn't returned. Even now I have no excitement for the 12WBT. I just keep thinking. Thinking about how after 3 and a half years, the only time of grief I was worth was 2 weeks. 2 weeks and he'd moved on to another girl.
I could say I'm okay and that it's for the best until I was blue in the face, but I wasn't. It's not okay and he crossed a line that i wouldnt ever be able to get back from. And I suppose I'm assuming that he would, and maybe he doesn't.. But now he can't. I don't understand and can't get past it. I'm trying, and mum says to only take it 1 day at a time, but my thoughts a like a road block - sticking me in the mud of the past 2 weeks. Maybe this will help me past the block, because I hate this constant torment of not knowing and the pain.
Wow. Heavy. lol.

And so starts the last 4 tasks of pre season, I really need something to get me out of this heart ache and torture, but first I need the determination.