Everything is moving fast...

First week of the 12WBT.. am I ready? NO!! It just crept up and oh HELLO Im here, scramble to get everything done! crapppppp! Surprise Fitness Test. Oh Joy!! Do I really want to do this? YES!!!

Although amongst the confusion and scramble, 2 wonderful and glorious things happened;
1. I registered for the City to Surf in the Blue Group - HAH my Mum doesn't realise I want to jog part of it..
2. I bit the bullet and decided that I need a Gym to help me get to my goal. Enter Anne and the wonderful ladies at Fernwood Fitness and BAM! I start Thursday. I was a member there once before.. but lacked the mentality to stick it out. With all this focus and determination talk, I am ready!

My last blog was pretty depressive to say the least. But I am one to write the feelings down, put it out to the universe and let it go into cyber space. Needless to say it made me feel SO much better, and I can't wait to see where these next 12 weeks take me. A lot lighter hopefully!!

Thursday I start at Fernwood, so bring on Treadmills, Wall Squats, Cross Trainers and Rowing Machines!! I am actually really excited now! Determined to get to my goal, and excited for the City to Surf!

Stay tuned for the next entry.. I will be!! lol

Fallen off the wagon.

I really have no clue where to begin. The last time I blogged, the world seemed rosy, I had direction and determination, and was excited for the 12WBT... and then my world came crashing down, and it kept crumbling. It KEEPS crumbling ever so slightly. I have no other explanation, other than heartbreak. I didn't reach for the icecream bucket, I reached for my phone to check Facebook. For a week my world was work, and heartbreak. I didn't want to blog or set goals, I was trying to grasp what was happening to me, how what I knew did a complete back flip into an alternate universe that left me alone. It was hell week and I had no choice but to work through it, to not think about it. I didn't eat and was in pain. I have never experienced such pain in my life. Last Monday, I fell apart. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. All my determination and excitement flew right out the window and hasn't returned. Even now I have no excitement for the 12WBT. I just keep thinking. Thinking about how after 3 and a half years, the only time of grief I was worth was 2 weeks. 2 weeks and he'd moved on to another girl.
I could say I'm okay and that it's for the best until I was blue in the face, but I wasn't. It's not okay and he crossed a line that i wouldnt ever be able to get back from. And I suppose I'm assuming that he would, and maybe he doesn't.. But now he can't. I don't understand and can't get past it. I'm trying, and mum says to only take it 1 day at a time, but my thoughts a like a road block - sticking me in the mud of the past 2 weeks. Maybe this will help me past the block, because I hate this constant torment of not knowing and the pain.
Wow. Heavy. lol.

And so starts the last 4 tasks of pre season, I really need something to get me out of this heart ache and torture, but first I need the determination.

Enter Hell-week.

"Hell-week" as my friend Jodie calls it, has started. 3 days. long hours. Barely any sleep. The life of a florist in the peak period. Bad if you are starting a health kick and are in preseason preparation. On the Valentines Day week, I snacked on Pizza shapes and Red bull because that was the quickest thing I could find that wasn't too sweet.. Needless to say I will not be having that this time. Maybe nuts.. And a few grapes.. Plenty of water of course. But no shapes!!
My meals are slowly getting smaller which is a plus, but without healthy snacks and meals, the next 3 days will be a definite challenge! It really started yesterday - mum wanted a snack and I stuck to my guns and only ate what I planned. Meanwhile I think she had lollies and honey roasted peanuts lol. I'm getting better!! As we speak I'm sitting in front of breakfast, which consists of chicken, tomato and avocado, on toast. What I didn't realise - Theres 2 pieces.. Mmm yeah I only ate 1 lol.
Right well time to get this weekend started, see you all on the other side

Tiffany Michelle x

The Hairdresser.

So a bit off topic today. I'm sitting in a hairdresser chopping off my locks. I was going to wait, use it as a treat for when I lost the weight, but stuff it.. Personal shit got in the way and here I sit. Cutting my hair short again. And red! Dying it red. impulsive and probably not the best plan... But there's noone I'm keeping it long for, so why not?!
Such an emotionally draining week, I can't wait it to be over.
And I still have to set my goals! I haven't been very specific on stuff like this in the past so I'm finding it difficult to set them. I have to get a wriggle on, because I notified of the 4th preseason task this morning. Whoops!

Symbol of success.

Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. I get angry with myself and Hyde overpowers Jeykll (Or is it jeykll that overpowers hyde? Well, You get the picture.) The unhappy, depressed side comes out and I think that nothing will ever change and I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of pessimism and sadness. An hour ago I had a depressing, over-it blog that I was going to post, (even more than this opening paragraph) and then my mum opened a pack of lollies. Mm - see picture.
A small pack, but lollies none the less. I thought to last nite; the extra pieces of toast I DIDN'T need yet I ate them anyway and thought ENOUGH. I will take this pack of lollies and all the other over-eating im doing and theoretically smash it against a wall, never to be seen again lol. I'm keeping this picture of the bag of lollies as my small symbol of success that I do have will power and the guts to stick it out. "just one more" is no longer in my vocabulary, I'm replacing it "no thankyou, I've had enough". If I don't start now, I never will.

Sunday thoughts for the week ahead.

My Sunday: I entered my excuses; had lunch with some fellow 12WBT that live in my area.. And well... Watched tv lol!! But now I'm thinking of my goals. I haven't watched Mish's video, but I'm a little worried.. I'm not sure what really is realistic? The girls today gave me a bit of advice which helped, but I'm still unsure!! I have a fair bit of thinking to do I think.
A couple of the girls - Lisa and Erin, they've nearly finished round 1, and this was something my sister said as well; the portion size of the meals are small... Erin even said she wanted to eat her hand off for the first 3 weeks haha!! Mmm maybe a bit of early recon work to reduce my portions little bit by little bit will prepare me for the kick off? LIGHT BULB! yep starting tomorrow I'm in serious preparation mode. The only person kicking it off and being responsible for the weight loss is me. Noone else is going to do it for me and why should they?! I'm the one that will enjoy and flourish from the results. [insert ninja roar here] RROOAARRRR. That fire in my belly is not reflux or heartburn, it's the desire to do well and change my life.
Now to those goals...

Meeting my fellow 12WBT-er's

In the 12WBT forum, there's a section to meet people in the same area, so you can get a support network going and work together... And today I am meeting a few of those people!! Wow this is going to be fun!!

The only thing it - we are meant to wear pink.. If you know me, you know I really don't own anything pink lol. And do I wear something to work out in? haha!!! Are we going to all go for a walk, or is it just a time to meet everyone and have coffee? mmm Im thinking the second idea is the right one. Well I suppose I will see soon!

Tiffany Michelle.

My Excuses.

Where do I start?! lets start at the beginning…

Internal…
1. im too lazy
2. my glandular fever makes me more tired
3. i dont have motivation
4. it wont make a difference
5. i dont want to look silly 

External within my control…
1. public transport doesnt run enough and it would take me forever to get into penrith
2. its getting dark
3. its too cold/its raining
4. ive been on my feet all day
5. i cant afford it
6. i have dinner plans
7. the biggest loser is on!! (okay, well television in general!)

External out of my control…
1. family emergancy
2. the shop - work crisis
3. i dont have transport

At some point, if this was someone else, I’d slap them silly!!! 

I was going to start a youtube diary - i think “i’ll look fat so i wont do it, people will laugh” is the main excuse on that list… argh no more excuses! okay youtube diary here i come.

Tiffany Michelle.